I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
