it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize