there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
