Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can I color on your dick again?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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