Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
