i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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