I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
