Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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