i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i out mim tonsoeep
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