Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wear drunk well.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
