How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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