I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
