My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
