And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
