Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
