Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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