Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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