I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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