Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
