I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
