im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
