Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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