Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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