So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish you could order shots online.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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