i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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