I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
