i was born a porn star she said
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
