so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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