Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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