He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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