if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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