You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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