When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
