Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
