we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
