A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
