she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
