If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
