Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
