I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Randomize
