Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize