OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
