i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
