...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
