When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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