I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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