I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
