so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
