In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize