Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
