The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize