I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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