Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
