I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
