Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
