I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize