Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
