I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
