My friends, they love my intelligence
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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