and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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